Friday, December 15, 2006

SMS poll

काल सचिननी finally ‘accept’ केले कि तो आता तितका तरुण राहीला नाही. (I’m not a 17-year boy anymore) बस्स. लगेच Headlines Today नी SMS poll साठी प्रश्न दिला ’Has Sachin become a liability for Indian cricket team?’ Options ‘Yes’, 'No’, ‘Can’t say’ अनेक news chennels वर so-called experts त्याच्या statement ची चीरफाड करायला बसले. आणि expert कोण होते? अतुल वासन, मदनलाल, साबा करीम, संदीप पाटील आणि मंडळी. ज्यांच्या सगळ्यांच्या मिळून career मधल्या रन्स (international, domestic and galli cricket) ह्या तेंडुलकरच्या २५% सुद्धा नसतील.
ह्या SMS poll नी उच्छाद मांडला आहे. मराठी chnnels तर आणखी हुशार आहेत. ते कुठल्याही SMS poll ला फक्त 'हो' आणि 'नाही' इतकेच options देतात. माहिती नाही किंवा सांगता येत नाही असा प्रश्न मराठी माणसासाठी असूच शकत नाही.


एका मराठी news channel नी एकदा म्हणे प्रश्न विचारला होता 'आपला आवडता सिने कलावंत कोणता?' आणि options दिले होते 'हो' आणि 'नाही'. आणि तरीही ६०% लोकांनी 'हो' आणि ४०% नी 'नाही' असे vote केले होते. नशीब ती बेरीज तरी १००% होती. नाही तर दोन्ही ला प्रत्येकी ८०% votes अशी करामतही करुन दाखवली असती.
झी-मराठी वरचा लोकप्रिय कार्यक्रम सा रे ग म प देखील आता finals साठी sms voting वापरणार आहे. मला ते ऐकुन धक्काच बसला. थोडे दिवस आधीच मी एका मित्राला म्हणालो होतो की मराठी मालिकांमधे sms voting येणे शक्यच नाही. कारण स्वतःच्या खर्चाने (ते ही ६-७ रु. प्रत्येक smsला!!!) कोण मराठी माणूस vote करेल? फार फार तर ते postcard नी vote करतील. ते सुद्धा समस्त जोशी परिवाराकडून एक पत्र किंवा अखिल XYZ society कडून एक पत्र. -:)


आता बघुया सा रे ग म प ला किती votes येतात ते...
पण हे असेच चालू राहिले तर काही दिवसांनी company मधे appraisals/ promotions पण sms vote नीच होतील. आणि employees मग ‘Indian Idols’ style मधे इतर employees ना appeal करतील: ‘manager की cubicle में बैठना मेरा सपना है और आप ही ये सपना पूरा कर सकते है. तो जल्दी से अपने cell phone उठाइये और plz plz plz plz मुझे vote किजिए..

~ कौस्तुभ

Thursday, December 14, 2006

'Play and leave Lara, Ponting behind'

Check this:
http://www.cricketnext.com/news/play-and-leave-lara-ponting-behind/22283-13.html

Moments after Sachin 'accepted' that he is not a 17-year boy anymore the Headlines Today flashed 'Question of the Day' for SMS poll as: 'Has Sachin become a liability for Indian cricket team?'

LIABILITY??????


I would say 'Let the test series begin...'

~ Kaustubh

Oh no...not again...!!!

From Orkut:

Today's fortune:
You will have some wonderful new experiences

Nooooooooo...not again! I've had too many new experiences in the recent past, and I'm not ready to take more.

More about some interesting incidences later...

~ Kaustubh

Friday, December 1, 2006

बोधकथा...

मला आयुष्यात मिळालेले वक्त्रुत्व स्पर्धेतले एकमेव बक्षीस ह्या गोष्टीमुळे मिळाले. (ईयत्ता ६ वी मधे. तेही ३ रे बक्षीस). तेही वक्त्रुत्व गुणांपेक्षा ह्या गोष्तीतील भाबडेपणाला मिळाले असावे. -:)
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आटपाट नगर होते. तिथे एक राजा राज्य करत होता. त्याने आजूबाजूची लहान मोठी राज्ये जिंकून आपल्या राज्याचा विस्तार केला होता.
राज्याच्या तिजोरीत भरपूर खजिना आणि धान्यकोठारात भरपूर धान्य होते. एकूणच राज्यकारभार चांगला चालला होता. पण तरीही राजाला मन:स्वास्थ्य नव्हते.
आपण कुठे तरी अपुरे पडत आहोत असे त्याला वाटायचे.
एके रात्री तो असाच वेष बदलून राज्यात फेरफटका मारायला निघाला. जाता जाता त्याला एक झोपडी दिसली. त्या झोपडीतून त्याला गाणे गुणगुणण्याचा आणि काम करत असल्याचा आवाज ऐकु आला. इतक्या रात्री कोणी तरी तरी काम करत आहे हे पाहून राजाची उत्सुकता चाळवली गेली. तो झोपडीपाशी गेला आणि आत डोकावून पाहू लागला.
आत एक लोहार आपले काम करत होता. राजाला बघताच तो काम करायचे थांबला. त्याने राजाला ओळखले नाही पण तरीही कोणी एक वाटसरु आपल्या दाराशी आला हे पाहून त्याने राजाला बसायला पाट पुढे केला आणि प्यायला पाणी दिले. तो काम करुन दमल्याचे त्याचा चेहरा स्पष्टपणे दाखवत होता पण तरीही तो आनंदी आणि समाधानी वाटत होता.
इकडचे तिकडचे प्रश्न न विचारता राजाने त्याला थेट प्रश्न विचारला, "तुम्ही खूप आनंदी दिसता. ह्याचे कारण काय?" लोहार म्हणाला, "असेलही कदाचीत. ह्याच्याबद्दल विचार करायला मला कधी वेळच मिळाला नाही." त्याच्या इतक्या बेफ़िकिर आणि निर्विकार पणाचे राजाला खूप वैषम्य वाटले. तो म्हणाला, "नक्कीच तुम्ही खूप पैसे मिळवत असणार, खूप नावलौकीक कमावत असणार. अगदीच काही नाही तर निदान देवपूजा आणि दानधर्म तरी भरपूर करत असणार." लोहार उत्तरला, "भल्या माणसा, तू आत्ता जाणीव करून दिलीस तेव्हा मला जाणवले की मी ह्यातले काहीच करत नाही. खर सांगायचे तर हे सगळे करण्यासाठी माझ्याकडे वेळ आणि पैसा दोन्ही नाही. पूर्ण दिवस मी राब-राब राबतो आणि मिळेल तो सगळा पैसा खर्च करतो. मग मी हे सर्व कधी आणि कुठल्या पैशानी करणार?"
राजा चक्रावला. त्याने विचारले, "म्हणजे. तू मिळवतोस किती आणि त्या पैशाचे तू करतोस तरी काय?" लोहार म्हणाला, "मी जे काही मिळवतो त्याचे ४ भाग करतो. एक भाग स्वत: खातो, एक भाग कर्ज फेडतो, एक भाग उधार देतो आणि एक भाग नदीत फेकतो. बस्स."
राजा उतावळे पणाने म्हणला, "अरे बाबा असे कोड्यात बोलू नकोस. नीट स्पष्टपणे सांग याचा अर्थ."
लोहार म्हणला, "मी एक भाग खातो म्हणजे एक भाग स्वत: वर, माझ्या पत्नीवर खर्च करतो. एक भाग कर्ज फेडतो म्हणजे तो भाग माझ्या आई-वडिलांवर खर्च करतो आणि त्यांचे उपकार माझ्या परीने फेडण्याचा प्रयत्न करतो. एक भाग उधार देतो म्हणजे माझ्या मुलावर खर्च करतो. म्हातारपणी तो माझी काळजी घेईल हीच त्या मागची स्वार्थी भावना आहे. आणि राहिलेला शेवटचा भाग मी नदीत फेकतो. म्हणजे माझ्या मुलीवर खर्च करतो. आज ना उद्या ती सासरी जाणार. तोवर तिला सांभाळणे हे माझे कर्तव्य आहे. त्यानंतर माझ्या तिच्याकडून कसल्याही अपेक्षा नाहीत. हे सगळे करता करता आपण म्हणालात त्या गोष्टींचा विचार करायला मला वेळच मिळत नाही"
राजा काय समजायचे ते समजला. तो तिथून उठला आणि निमूटपणे निघून गेला.
मन:शांती मिळावी म्हणून काय करावे असा प्रश्न आता त्याला पडला नव्हता.

Wednesday, October 25, 2006

फालतू विनोद...

एक कवी आपल्या बायकोला म्हणाला, 'ते बघ ते झाड...'

एक कवी आपल्या बायकोला म्हणाला, 'ते बघ ते झाड...'

मग बायको ते झाडू लागली!!!

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एकदा मास्तर बंड्याला वर्गात उभा करतात आणी सांगतात," मी कुठला ही प्रश्न विचारला कि त्याच पटकन उत्तर दे".मास्तर विचारतात," अमेरिकेचे अध्यक्ष कोण?"बंड्या म्हणतो," पटकन."

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Heigth of Optimism99 वर्षांची म्हातारी जेव्हा 'हच का नया लाइफटाइम रिचार्ज' घेते!

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एक सरदार suicide squad मध्ये भरती होतो. त्याला एका mission वर पाठवतात. त्याचा commander त्याला भरपूर दारुगोळा, RDX, mobile पिस्तूल, चाकू ई. देतो आणि सांगतो, 'जेव्हा बरेच शत्रू असतील तेव्हा suicide कर.' सरदार position वर जातो. तिथून commander ला फोन करतो, '२ माणसे आहेत, करु का suicide?Commander: 'नको. अजून माणसे हवीत. थोड्या वेळाने कर.'
थोड्या वेळाने सरदार: '३० माणसे आहेत, करु का suicide? Commander: 'नको. अजून माणसे हवीत. थोड्या वेळाने कर.'थोड्या वेळाने सरदार: '१०० माणसे आहेत, करु का suicide? Commander: 'जवान, आता तू suicide कर. आम्ही तुझ्या कुटुंबाची काळजी घेउ. .........सरदार खिश्यातून चाकू काढतो आणि suicide करतो!!!

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एक फेरीवाला: Doctor, मुंग्यांची पावडर पाहिजे का?
Doctor: नको, आम्ही मुंग्यांचे फाजिल लाड करत नाही!!

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Thursday, September 14, 2006

My Favourite...Sports Personalities

Here I'm presenting 'My Favourite...' series starting with 'My Favourite...Sports Personalities'. It will not just show who are my favouries but, I hope, will also reflect my personality and my likes and dislikes.
You will not find many of the greatest sports personalities like Diego Maredona, Michael Schumacher, Tiger Woods et al in this list because of lack of my understanding about these sports. Thus as I said earlier, it reflects my liking and knowledge about a certain sport/ sport figure.

Though I'm giving rankings, these are not permanent; It is just a snapshot of what I feel as of today (and I feel that is the way it should be.). So a few days/years down the line the list might look different, because some new personalities might have arrived, some might have faded their glory and more importantly, my views would have changed (not necessarilily in a better way)

So as of now, here is the first of 'My Favourite...' series: My Favourite...Sports Personalities
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1. Gary Kasparov: Arguably the best chess player in the history of world chess
All though it seems the “Kasparov era” has come to an end, Garry is still the number one player in the world ahead of Kramnik or Anand. His determination, perseverance, courage, and kindness can be seen throughout his life, from World Championship games of chess to organizing charities, he is not only a great chess player, but a great man. Though his time may be drawing closer to its end, he will forever go down in history as one of the truest representations of what chess is actually about.

Kasparov has published 4 books on chess so far. He has a five volume piece in the works called Garry Kasparov on My Great Predecessors. Most of his books have received praise from everyone on all walks of life, however, a few critics say his slight historical inaccuracies and supposed plagiarism of analysis’s on games are inexcusable.

As a spokesman for political, educational, and social reforms in Eastern Europe, Kasparov has gained international recognition. Garry is active in several charities, including one that he created himself: The Kasparov Foundation in Moscow (it’s the first private foundation since the Revolution). Garry has also created his own international chess academy and he continues to promote the use of chess in schools.

Trivia:
During his PCA World Championship encounter with Nigel Short and on the eve of the thirteenth match game, Kasparov revealed on Channel 4 television that 13 was in fact his lucky number. Born on the 13th April, in 1963 (divisible by 13), he was the thirteenth World Champion. The game was however drawn.
(source: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Garry_Kasparov)

2. Vishwanathan Anand: The first Indian chess grand-master
To me Vishwanathan Anand's contribution to sports in India is far greater than any of the sports personalities India has ever produced. In 2000, when he won FIDE world chess championship, he gave us the first world championship title in any individual event. (Of course India has won world cup in 1983 but that was a team event.)
He has instigated many youngsters in India (who could not see beyond cricket) to look at chess as a career option.
Also when it comes to being nice and likeable chess players Anand is a notch above anybody else (and way above Kasparov -:))
With the end of Kasparov era let's hope that Anand dominates the world of chess years to come.

3: Pete Sampras: 'Pistol Pete'
Sampras won a record 14 Grand Slam singles titles during his career. He finished the year as No. 1 on the ATP Rankings for a record six years. He was also the only player to finish as ATP No.1 for six consecutive years (1993-98). He was the ATP No. 1 ranked player in the world for a record 286 weeks. etc. etc.
These are some of the records which are not so easy to be broken (although Roger Federer has already been regarded as the contender to break these records). But it was his amazing persona that made him rise above his contemporaries. (And mind you, he had the stiffest competition there with the likes of Becker, Agassi, Edberg etc.). A true professional who knew what he had to achieve in his career. Also a true nationalist when he represented the US in davis cup alongside Agassi, Chang, McEnroe etc.
Till the end of his career he was true to his first love, tennis. He never ever let success, money, glamor divert his focus away from tennis. That is the quality that is becoming so rare now-a-days. The last thing one wants to remember him as 'the last serve and volley player on Wimbledon' (though that is more likely to be so.)

4: Andre Agassi: A great entertainer
When you have a lot of known weaknesses in your game and when players like Sampras, Edberg, Jim Courier and Becker etc. are in full swing in their best years, all you can do is play and win as many as smaller tournaments, hang around in grand slams as far as possible, wait for a rare grand-slam oppertunity, grab it with both hands when you get one and then bid farewell to the tennis world. That is what Michael Chang, Goran Ivanisevic, Patrick Rafter, Richard Krajjeck, Cedric Pioline did. But not Andre!!!
He did not have the best game, he was not the best athelete or big server...but he showed tremendous will power.
At one time (in 1998) he was ranked 141 th in the world and looked like it was all over for him. But he not only fought it back but went on to finish his career in a fashion that he was regarded in the same league as Pete Sampras. He finished with 8 grand slams (including each one at least once) and was runner-up in as many as 7 grand slams.
Also outside tennis court he was regarded as most popular sports/ fashion icon as well as a very funny and witty person. When one of the news reporters tried to grill him on the news about his marriage with Steffi, he replied back, 'I've already made an announcement about this in the press conference of some highly respected and well known news reporters; I thought you would have been one of them'
During the days when Hewitt was dating Clijsters, (and Agassi was already married to Steffi and has 2 kids), a news reporter asked Andre, 'If a few years down the line, you son plays Hewitt's son in a grand-slam semi-final and loses to him what would your reaction be?' Agassi said, 'Then he would have to play me in the finals.'

5. Steffi Graf: The Golden Slam Girl
She is generally considered to be one of the greatest women's tennis players of all time. Apart from 22 singles grand slam titles, she has the distinction of being the only player to have completed the "golden slam" in 1988.
Her simplicity and down-to-earth image gives her a dignity and respect. She and Andre make a near perfect couple.


6. Sachin Tendulkar: Risi
ng
above the game of cricket...?
  • Highest no. of centuries in test cricket
  • Highest no. of centuries in one-day cricket
  • Most runs in ODIs
  • Most Man of The Match awards
  • First cricketer and fastest cricketer to cross 10,000-run mark, 11,000-run mark, 12,000-run mark, 13,000 run-mark and 14,000 run-mark in ODIs
  • Only cricketer to cross 14,000-run mark in ODIs

To some these are records sufficient to prove his genious, to others these are mere numbers. But Sachin is not Sachin because of these numbers. If cricket was played across the world like football is, I'm sure Sachin would have been the most famous, the richest sports person in the world. But beyond all statistics, records, and number of fans it is the sheer joy to watch him play (or just be there on the ground) that makes him my favourite. If he makes just 20-30 runs, he makes them with such a grace and ease that you do not understand its importance. He plays so effortlessly that it makes batting look very easy; but when you see some other batting you wonder why all of a sudden scoring runs or playing strokes has become so difficult.

People often criticize him for not helping India win many more matches. They are ready with all instances of his 'failures' and of others like Ponting, Lara who have helped their countries win matches in similar situations. My logic is very simple. First of all I don't feel cricket should be compared with other team sports like football which require 'collective team effort'. Cricket, is spite of being a team event, does not always need collective team effort. A person or a couple of individuals can easily win matches unlike in football.

In that sense cricket is more comparable to, say Davis Cup tennis tournament. In Davis Cup individuals play their part when they play either singles or doubles. Then the total effect of each individual's effort collectively decides the winner. Of course cricket is not exactly like this, but is more comparable to this than to football where team effort is of highest importance. So nobody blames a Rodick or a Hewitt when they win their matches in Davis cup even though the country loses the other matches. Then why people do not look at cricket in the same way.

As per my opinion batsmen do not win test matches, batsmen can save test matches; but it is a bowler who can win a test match for the simple reason that you have to get all 20 wickets to win a test match. So going by this criteria Sachin should not be criticized for not helping India win many test matches. It was the Indian balling attack that was not doing its part.

One day cricket, being pro-batsmen game, requires batsmen to play match winning knocks. And when it comes to that nobody will doubt Sachin's ability. Also Sachin's many failures, if considered so, are also to be blamed on bad policy of BCCI who put all the burden on Sachin's batting. Australian cricket board is wise enough to use their best players sparingly so that they can extract the best out of their each inning. Then why could BCCI not do the same with players like Sachin, Saurav, Dravid and Kumble?

Of course when we compare Sachin with Lara or Ponting who deliver on important occassions, I admit that Sachin lags behind them. But he is a human being and you can not expect him to outperform his peers on all counts all the time.

After achieving most of the milestones, he can now put aside all the burden of undue expectations and just enjoy playing cricket. I'm sure that with this mindset he will achieve even greater heights in the years to come.

7. Brian Lara: One of the most gifted players

First he sets world record by scoring 375 runs in test. When that is broken by Hayden he sets a new record by scoring 400 runs; first batsman to reach that mark. And that too after 11 years since he scored 375. Brian Lara is one of the most natural and gifted players of his generation. He is arguably the best test batsman of his era, ahead of Sachin, Steve Waugh and Ponting. He is not a copybook player but is an instinctive one that makes him a bit inconsistent. But when he gets going, he is simply unstoppable. On his day he just tears apart any bowling attack in the world. Also he has the unique ability to play a marathon innings or hit a big hundred when everybody has almost written him off. Lara in test cricket has done better than Sachin while in one-day matches Sachin has outperformed Lara.

A very striking resemblance that comes to my mind about many of these great players is that they belonged to same era, competed with each other and hence probably brought out the best in them. Be it Anand and Kasparov or Agassi and Sampras or Sachin and Lara.

8. Sunil Gavaskar: The perfect technique

In the days of one-day cricket people often tend to undermine the importance of test cricket. Agreed that it doesn't have the same "entertainment" value or verve that one-day format has. But even today test cricket is the real battle of bat v/s ball. True to its name it is test of character, strength and technique. And Sunil Gavaskar has set new standards in all these aspects. There have been players before who played great cricket, who had perfect technique and showed tremendous resilience; but not all at the same time.

He played in the era when West Indies pace bowling attack was running all over opposition and when just staying on crease was an achiement. It was Sunil who time and again showed that the great West Indies bowling attack can be tamed with perfect technique. He has a very good understanding of the game of cricket. By this I mean all the aspects of the game and potential of a player. It reflects well in his role as a commentator. While a layman considers a person like Siddhu to be a good/ entertaining commentator, people still consider listen to Sunil on the fundamentals of cricket. And mind you, he too has a very good sense of humor and presence of mind. That's why he is always politically correct in whatever he does or says and manages to keep away from any controversy. (or at least gets out of it quickly)

9. Rahul Dravid: Great dedication

Rahul Dravid is not a natuarally talented, gifted player but he has worked hard to earn a place in the league of th best of today's generation. Be it attitude or performance he has shown a great deal of attitude and dependability. His greatest achievement is to come out of shadows of Sachin and Saurav to make his own identity and also to adapt himself to both forms of the game. Off the field, especially when dealing with media and reacting on controvercial issues, he is the most levelheaded and balanced person.

10. Anil Kumble: The fighter

Anil Kumble, Shane Warne and Muralitharan arrived in the world of cricket around the same time frame. None of the so called cricket experts would have predcted that Anil, with his unusual bowling style and pace, would have survived beyond 4-5 years. But he has been around for more than 15 years now. Not just survived has been gowing from strength to strength with each passing year. Although Warne and Muralitharan are way ahead of him in the number of test wickets, Anil is no less a match winner than Warne and Murali.

He is a real figheter and has proved his critics wrong everytime they wrote him off. Even if he has been in or out of the team that has not hampered his performance while making a comeback

. In facr he has done better in those matches. With a perfect 10 and a no. of 5/10 wicket hauls he has already become a legend. Now it would be better for him (and Indian cricket) to do a 'Warne' and play only selective and important matches so that India can make best use of his remaining career.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------P.S.: Some of the other players who almost made it to the list are:

Roger Federer, Diego Maredona, Andrew Flintoff, Btett Lee, Inzemam-Ul-Haq

Monday, August 21, 2006

Soul Curry: Interviewing God

I dreamed I had an interview with God. "So you would like to interview me?" God asked. "If you have the time," I said. God smiled. "My time is eternity. What questions do you have in mind for me?"

"What surprises you most about mankind?" God answered..."That they get bored with childhood, they rush to grow up, and then they long to be children again. That they lose their health to make money...and then lose their money to restore their health. That by thinking anxiously about the future, they forget the present, such that they live neither in the present nor in the future. That they live as if they will never die, and die as if they had never lived."

God's hand took mine and we were silent for a while. And then I asked..."As a parent, what are some of life's lessons you want your children to learn?"

"To learn that they cannot make anyone love them. All they can do is to let themselves be loved. To learn that it is not good to compare themselves to others. To learn that it only takes a few seconds to open profound wounds in those they love, and it can take many years to heal them. To learn that a reach person is not the one who has the most, but is one who needs least. To learn that it is not enough that they forgive one another, but they must also forgive themselves."

P.S.: I do not believe in God...well almost. But if a good message has God as an 'Actor', I don't mind it.

~ Kaustubh

Saturday, August 19, 2006

Cipher...

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Dictionary meaning of 'Cipher'
ci•pher also cy•pher (pronounce as: sifar)
n.
1. The mathematical symbol (0) denoting absence of quantity; zero.
2. An Arabic numeral or figure; a number.
3. One having no influence or value; a nonentity.
4.
a. A cryptographic system in which units of plain text of regular length, usually letters, are arbitrarily transposed or substituted according to a predetermined code.
b. The key to such a system.
c. A message written or transmitted in such a system.
5. A design combining or interweaving letters or initials; a monogram.
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Cipher:
I’m the Cipher. A cryptic code, a nonentity or a zero; it depends upon the way you see and perceive me. But I’m the same, as always…forever.

~ Kaustubh

Monday, August 7, 2006

विनोद

एक मनाने चांगला पण आता वय झालेला न्हावी होता. शहराच्या मध्याभागी त्याचे दुकान होते.

फुलांचे दुकान चालवणारा एक माणूस एकदा त्या दुकानात गेला. केस कापून झाल्यावर तो न्हाव्याला पैसे देऊ लागला.
त्यावर न्हावी म्हणाला "नको. मी पैसे घेणार नाही. आता केवळ समाजसेवा म्हणून मी हे करतो आहे."
तो माणूस आनंदाने परतला.
दुसऱ्या दिवशी जेंव्हा न्हावी आपले दुकान उघडण्यास गेला तेंव्हा दारावर फुलांचे एक डझन गुच्छ आणि "धन्यवाद!" असे लिहिलेले शुभेच्छापत्र होते.

पुढे एके दिवशी एक मिठाईवाला त्या दुकानात गेला. पुन्हा तसाच प्रसंग घडला.
दुसऱ्या दिवशी जेंव्हा न्हावी आपले दुकान उघडण्यास गेला तेंव्हा दारावर मिठाईचे एक डझन पुडे आणि "धन्यवाद!" असे लिहिलेले शुभेच्छापत्र होते.

पुढे एके दिवशी एक संगणक अभियंता त्या दुकानात गेला. पुन्हा तसाच प्रसंग घडला.
दुसऱ्या दिवशी जेंव्हा न्हावी आपले दुकान उघडण्यास गेला तेंव्हा .......
:
:
:
:
:
:
एक डझन संगणक अभियंते, हातात "फुकट केस कापून घ्या" अशा इ-संदेशाच्या मुद्रित प्रती घेऊन उभे होते.

फालतू विनोद...

1. एक जोडपं... पतीचं नाव अनंत...पत्नीचं अनुपमा... पतिराज बाजारात चाललेत... पत्नीला विचारतात "काय अनू?"...
तिचा प्रतिप्रश्न... "काय अंता?"

2. दारूच्या दुकाना बाहेर पाटीः "भव्य दारू सोडा योजना. आत चौकशी करा ". आत गेल्यावर कळतं - "दोन दारूच्या बाटल्यांवर एक सोड्याची बाटली मुफ्त. त्वरा करा"...

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रुग्ण... डॉक्टर , अलिकडे मला शौचास साफ़ होत नाही.
डॉक्टर... असे करा, पलीकडे जावून बसत चला.

पुढची ओळ,

रुग्णः अहो, असे नाही! मला अलीकडे शौचाला होत नाही.
डॉक्टरः मग अन्वरकडे जा.
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विनोद

एका माणसाला चार बहीणी असतात,
तर त्या माणसाच्या मुलाचे नाव काय असेल?

...
...
...
...
...

उत्तर : आत्याचार

Monday, July 31, 2006

"Day ZERO"


"Day Zero"...


Don't ask me what it is...just wish me luck!

~ Kaustubh

Thursday, July 27, 2006

आई...

दिवसभर कितीही दंगा केला
तरी मला थोपटल्याशिवाय आई कधी झोपली नाही
घरापासुन दूर आता म्हणूनच कदाचित
शांत झोप कधी लागली नाही

कुणी विचारतं ..
"तुला घरी जावसं वाटत नाही?"
कसं सांगू त्यांना, घरातून निघताना
आईला मारलेली मिठी सोडवत नाही

आई, तू सांगायची गरज नाही
तुला माझी आठवण येते
आता माझ्यासाठि डबा करायचा नसतो
तरीहि तू सहा वाजताच उठतेस

तुझ्या हातचा चहा
तुझ्या हातची पोळी
तुझ्या हातची माझी नावडती भाजीही खायला
आता जीभ आसुसली

घरापासून दूर ...
आई जग खूप वेगळं आहे
तुझ्या सावलीत अगदी बिंनधास्त होते
आता रणरणंत ऊन आहे

तू आपल्या पिलांसाठी
सगळं केलंस ...
एक दिवस पिलं म्हणाली, "आई आता आम्हाला जायचंय" ...
आणि तू त्यांना जाऊ दिलंस

आई, तू इथे नाहीस
बाकी माझ्याकडे सगळं आहे
घरापासून दूर
जग खूप वेगळं आहे

Wednesday, July 26, 2006

विनोद

एकदा एक मनुष्य एका टॅक्सीमध्ये मागच्या सिटावर बसतो. याला ज्या भागात जायचे असते त्या भागाची टॅक्सी चालकाला माहिती नसल्याने वाट दाखवण्याचे काम याच्यावरच येते. एका वळणावर वळण्यासाठीची खूण करताना हा मनुष्य चालकाच्या खांद्यावर नकळत हलकेच हात ठेवतो. त्यासरशी चालक एवढा दचकतो की त्याला काहीच सुचत नाही, त्याला घाम सुटतो... त्याचा गाडीवरचा ताबा जातो... गाडी शेजारच्या एका दुकानात घुसणारच असते एवढ्यात तो कसा बसा ब्रेक लावतो व हश्श-हुश्श करू लागतो...

त्याचे घाम पुसणे चालू असते. त्यावर गोंधळलेला-घाबरलेला बिचारा प्रवासी त्याला म्हणतो, "मित्रा मला क्षमा कर. मला वाटले नाही तू माझ्या हाताला असा धरशील आणि आपली अशी फजिती होईल."

त्यावर तो टॅक्सी चालक उत्तरतो, "साहेब, त्यात तुमची काही चूक नाही हो. माझा आज टॅक्सी चालवण्याचा पहिला दिवस आहे. या अगोदर मी मागील ३० वर्षे प्रेतवाहिनीचा चालक म्हणून काम केले आहे"....

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दोन मित्र जंगलात शिकारी साठी जंगलात गेले होते. तेव्हा तेथे एका अस्वलाने त्यांच्यावर हल्ला केला. पहिला मित्र चपळाईने झाडीत पळाला पण दुसरा मात्र त्या अस्वलाच्या तावडीत सापडला.

थोड्या वेळाने झाडीत लपलेला मित्र बाहेर येउन पाहतो तर दुसरा जमिनीवर निपचित पडलेला.

झालं, घाबरून त्याला धाम सुटला. आता काय करावे अश्या विचारात असतानाच त्याला मदतीसाठीचा नंबर आठवला.

त्या मदत कक्षात उत्तर द्यायला एक तरुणी बसलेली. त्यांचा संवाद सुरु झाला.

तो -मित्रावर माझ्या एका अस्वलाने हल्ला केला आहे! मी काय करू.. मेला तर नसेल ना??

ती - असे आधिच घाबरून जाऊ नका. आधी तो मेला आहे याची खात्री करून घ्या..

(ठो‌ऽऽ.... पलीकडून गोळी चालवल्याचा आवाज येतो)

तो - आता??

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एकदा दोघे जण एका रानातून जात असतात. तेव्हढ्यात त्यांना दुरून एक अस्वल त्यांच्या रोखाने येताना दिसते. एक माणूस लगेच आपल्या पिशवीमधून त्याचे जोडे काढून घालू लागतो. त्याचा सहप्रवासी म्हणतो , " अरे, तू चांगले जोडे घातलेस तरी तू त्या अस्वलापेक्षा काही जास्त वेगाने पळू शकणार नाहीस." दुसरा त्याला म्हणाला की " "अरे त्या अस्वलापेक्षा नाही, पण तुझ्या पेक्षा तरी मी जास्त वेगाने पळीन की नाही"? असे म्हणून तो तडक अस्वलापासून दूर पळू लागला.

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गेल्या प्रेमदिवसाच्या (व्हॅलेन्टाइन डे) सुमारास मी पोस्टात गेलो. तिथे एक पन्नाशीचा, डोक्यावर टक्कल पडलेला माणूस बऱ्याचशा व्हॅलेन्टाइन डे भेटकार्डांवर गुलाबी रंगाची हृदयाच्या आकाराची स्टिकर्स लावीत होता. नंतर त्याने खिशातून सुगंधी फवारा काढला आणि त्या शेकडो भेटकार्डांवर ते अत्तर फवारले. हा प्रकार बघून मला उत्सुकता वाटली. मी जवळ जाऊन त्याला विचारले, "काय हो, तुम्ही ह्या वयात इतकी सारी प्रेमदिवसाची भेटकार्डे कुणाला पाठवताय?"

माझ्याकडे एक कटाक्ष टाकून तो पुन्हा आपल्या कामात गढला. त्या साऱ्या भेटकार्डांवर 'I Love You, Guess Who!' चे ठप्पे मारत त्याने स्पष्टीकरण दिले, "अशी एक हजार भेटकार्डे मी प्रेमदिवसाला दर वर्षी पाठवत असतो."

"पण कुणाला?"

"टेलिफोन डायरेक्टरीमधून कुठलेही पत्ते निवडतो." ठप्पे मारत तो म्हणाला.

"पण कां" ह्या माझ्या प्रश्नावर तो म्हणाला "अहो मी वकील आहे, आणि घटस्फोटाचे खटले चालवणे हा माझा पोटापाण्याचा उद्योग आहे."
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Quotes for the day

ज्यांना रात्री केलेल्या कृत्यांचा सकाळी पश्चाताप होतो ,त्यांनी सरळ दुपारीच उठाव !!!

मुलगा आणि नारळ कसा निघेल ,हे आधीच सांगता येणं कठीण आहे !!!

प्रेम हे चन्द्राप्रमाणे असतं जेंव्हा ते वाढत नसतं तेंव्हा ते कमी होत असतं !!!!

दोन जोडपी समोरासमोर असताना दोन्ही बायका एकमेकांच्या साड्यांकडे बघतात आणि दोन्ही नवरे एकमेकांच्या बायकांकडे !!!

आमच्या पुण्यात..

आमच्या पुण्यात..

वाण्याच्या दुकानाला 'मिनी मार्केट म्हणतात'

जरा मोठ्या दुकानाला 'सुपरमार्केट' म्हणतात

चार मजली इमारतीला 'हाइट्स' म्हणतात

सात मजली इमारतीला 'टॉवर्' म्हणतात

आणि १२ मजली इमारतीच्या गच्चीवर विमान उतरू नये म्हणून लाल दिवा लावतात

One-liner

"My opinion might have changed but not the fact that I'm right!!!"

Nice story...

ती जन्मताच आंधळी, त्यामुळे सगळ्यांच्याच तिरस्कारास पात्र. आई-वडील, सख्खे भाऊ, बहिणींही एक डोक्यावरचंन टाळता येणार ओझं म्हणून सहन करणारे. ह्यात एकच समाधानाची बाब म्हणजे तिचा प्रियकर.
तिच्यावर जिवापाड प्रेम करणारा, तिच्या अंधपणाचा कोणताही बाऊ न करता. मग तिला वाटायचे आपण खुप नशिबवान आहोत. तिने कित्येक वेळेस त्याला म्हंटले सुद्धा, "जर मला दृष्टी लाभली असती तर तुझ्याशीच लग्न करून, शेवट पर्यंत साथ दिली असती."
आणी अचानक एके दिवशी चमत्कार झाला. कोणीतरी तिला आपले डोळे देण्यास तयार झाला. शेवटी यशस्वी शस्त्रक्रिये नंतर दिला दिसू लागले. सर्व प्रथम तिने प्रियकराला पाहण्याचा हट्ट धरला.
त्याला पाहताच तिला जबरदस्त धक्का बसला. तो चक्क आंधळा होता. तेवढ्यात त्याने विचारले, "करशील आता माझ्याशी लग्न?"
तिने सहजतेने त्याचा प्रस्ताव नाकारला. त्याने कांहीही प्रतिक्रीया व्यक्त केली नाही. तिच्यापासुन दुर जाताना फक्त एवढेच म्हणाला, "माझ्या डोळ्यांची काळजी घे."
ती उघड्या डोळ्यांनी पहातच राहिली.

विनोद

एकदा डाकू गावात दरोडा टाकतात आणि सर्व लोकांना मारुन टाकतात ,नंतर एका म्‍हातारा म्‍हातारीच्‍या घरी
डाकू : ए म्‍हातारे काय नाव तुझं ?
म्‍हातारी : गंगुबाई.
डाकू : मी तुला सोडुन देतो , माझ्‍या आईचं नाव गंगुबाई होतं

डाकू : ए म्‍हातार्‍या , तुझं नाव काय ?
म्‍हातारा :: ग्‍यानबा , पण सगळे मला लाडाने ' गंगुबाई ' म्‍हणतात

Humor for the day

TEACHER : PAPPU, how do you spell "crocodile"?
PAPPU : "K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L"
TEACHER : No, that's wrong
PAPPU : Maybe it's wrong, but you asked me how I spell it!
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TEACHER : PAPPU, give me a sentence starting with "I".
PAPPU : I is...
TEACHER : No, PAPPU. Always say, "I am."
PAPPU : All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
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TEACHER : "George Washington not only chopped down his father's Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now do you know why his father didn't punish him?"
PAPPU : "Because George still had the axe in his hand?"
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A man at an Art Gallery: I suppose this horrible looking thing is
what you call modern art ?
Art dealer: I beg your pardon sir, thats a mirror!
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A man visits Chinese friend dying in hospital. Man says "Chin Yu
Yan" and dies. The man goes to china to find meaning of friends last
words. It is "you're standing on the oxygen tube!!"
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Pappu applied for an engineering position at an MNC office.
Another man, Mr. X also applied for the same job and, both applicants having the same qualifications, were asked to take a test by the Department Manager.

Upon completion of the test, the results showed that both men only missed one of the questions.

The manager went to Pappu and said, "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the job to Mr. X".

Pappu: "And why would you be doing that? We both got 9 questions correct."
Manager: "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the one question that you got wrong."
Pappu:"And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?"
Manager: "Simple, for the question that both of you got wrong, Mr. X put down 'I don't know' as the answer, and you wrote 'Neither do I'!"
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Mr. Bean: I'd like some vitamins for my grandson.
Clerk: Sir, vitamin A, B or C?
Mr. Bean: Any will do, my grandson doesn't know the alphabet yet!!
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A blonde Got excited when finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months.....the box said "2-4 years!"
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Humor for the day

A woman was found guilty in traffic court and when asked for her occupation she said she was a schoolteacher. The judge rose from the bench. "Madam, I have waited years for a schoolteacher to appear before this court." He smiled with delight. "Now sit down at that table and write 'I will not run a red light' five hundred times."
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A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom, and said, "Your first job will be to sweep out the store."

"But I'm a college graduate," the young man replied indignantly. "Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realize that," said the manager. "Here, give me the broom -- I'll show you how."
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A girl walked into a library and said, "Can I have a burger and fries?"
The librarian said, "Sorry, this is a library."
So she whispered, "Can I have a burger and fries?"
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The executive was interviewing a potential employee for a position in his company.
He wanted to find out something about his personality so he asked, "If you could have a conversation with someone, living or dead, who would it be?"
The interviewee quickly responded, "The living one."
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A shy little 4-year-old came in to the dentist for his first cleaning and check-up.
The hygienist tried to strike up a conversation but no response.
After the cleaning, the dentist was called in to do the final check.
The dentist tried to strike up a conversation as well. "How old are you?"
No response.
The dentist then asked, "Don't you know how old you are?"
Immediately four tiny fingers went up.
"Oh," replied the dentist, "and do you know how old that is?"
Four little fingers went up once again.
Continuing the effort to get a response, the dentist asked, "Can you talk?"
The solemn little patient looked at him and asked, "Can you count?"
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Bidding at a local auction was proceeding furiously when the auctioneer suddenly announced, "A gentleman in this room has lost a wallet containing $10,000. If it is returned, he will pay a reward of $2,000." There was a moment's silence, and then from the back of the room came the cry, "Two thousand five hundred!"
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Two Monks

"Two monks were traveling together when they came across a river crossing. There on the bank, they saw a beautiful woman, finely dressed, who wished to cross the river but was unable to do so. Without a word, the older monk simply picked up the woman and carried her to the other side.

The young monk, seemingly agitated for the rest of their journey, could not contain himself. Once they reached their destination after a couple of days, he exploded at the older monk. "How could you, a monk, even consider carrying a woman in your arms, much less a young and beautiful one? It is against our teachings. It is very dangerous."

"I put her down two days ago," said the older monk. "Why are you still carrying her?"

विनोद

एक गाढव झाडावर चढते. झाडावर आधीपासुनच हत्ती बसलेला असतो.

हत्ती-तु झाडावर कय करतोयस?

गाढव- सपरचन्द खायला आलोय.

हत्ती- आरे गढवा हे तर आंब्याचे झाड आहे.

गाढव- मी सफरचन्द सोबत घेउन आलोय

विनोद: पोपट - व्यवस्थापन

एकदा गंपू पोपट विकत घ्यायला पोपटविक्याकडं जातो. तिथं साधारणपणे एकसारखे दिसणारे तीन पोपट असतात.

"या डावीकडच्याची किंमत ५०० रुपये." पोपट विक्या.

"का रे बाबा? इतकी का?" गंपू

"कारण त्याला ना संगणक चालवता येतो"

"आणि या उजवीकडच्याची?"

"१०००!, याला एका पोपटाला जे यायचं ते सारं येतंच, शिवाय याला 'युनिक्स' असलेले संगणकही हाताळता येतात." पोपटविक्या.

आता गंपू तिसऱ्याची किंमत विचारणार हे ओळखून पोपटविक्या आधीच म्हणाला "या मधल्याची किंमत मात्र २५०० रुपये बरं का?"

"असं का? काय काय येतं याला?" अर्थातच गंपू.

"खरं तर मी याला कधीच, काहीही करताना पाहिलं नाही आहे. पण बाकीचे दोघे याला 'साहेब' म्हणतात."

आत-बाहेर

श्री आंत एकदा श्री बाहेर यांना भेटायला गेले. बाहेर उभे राहून आंत यांनी बाहेर यांना बाहेर बोलावले. पण आंत बसलेल्या बाहेर यांनी आंत यांना आंत बोलावले. जेंव्हा आंत आंत आले, तेंव्हा आंत यांना बाहेर बघण्यासाठी बाहेर गेलेल्या बाहेर यांनी आंत यांना बाहेर बोलावले. पण आंत असलेल्या आंत यांनी बाहेर यांना आंत बोलावले. तेंव्हा बाहेरून आंत आलेल्या बाहेर यांची आंत असलेल्या आंत यांची भेट झाली. हुश्श्श... :)

एक सुभाषित

यौवनं धनसंपत्तिः प्रभूत्वमविवेकिता। एकैकप्यनर्थाय किमु अत्र चतुःष्टयम॥

अर्थः तारूण्य, श्रीमंती, अधिकार (प्रभूत्व) आणि असामंजस्य यातील एक गोष्टही (?) अधःपतनास (अनर्थास) कारणिभूत होते तर चारही एकत्र असतील तर काय होइल?

Quote for the day

I'd never join a club that would allow a person like me to become a member

विनोद

एकदा जिजाबाई आणि शिवाजी महाराज पत्ते खेळत बसलेले असतात...
तेंव्हा जिजाबाई म्हणतात, "शिवबा, तो बघ, तो खिडकीतून दिसणारा किल्ला आमच्या मनात घर करून राहिला आहे, तो घेऊन ये"
आपल्या आईची आज्ञा शिरसावंद्य मानून शिवाजी महाराज लगेच घोड्यावर मांड टाकून जातात.
१५-२० मिनिटांनी परत येऊन म्हणतात, "मांसाहेब तो किल्ला आपलाच होता".
जिजाबाई म्हणतात, "मला माहित होते, पण मला तुझे पत्ते बघायचे होते"
...
...
...
...
परत एकदा जिजाबाई आणि शिवाजी महाराज पत्ते खेळत बसलेले असतात...
खिडकीतून एक किल्ला दिसतो... पण ह्या वेळेला जिजाबाई काहीच म्हणत नाहीत...आणि तो किल्ला त्यांच्या मनात घर ही करत नाही
एकदम अचानक कसला तरी मोठा आवाज येतो...
त्याबरोबर शिवाजी महाराज म्हणतात, "कोण आहे रे तिकडे".
आवाज ऐकून जवळचा एक शिपाई तेथे येतो आणि म्हणतो, "हुकूम महाराज".
शिवाजी म्हणतो, "इस्पिक"

पी.जे.

चाळीतल्या एका कडे पाहुणे म्हणुन आलेल्या आजोबांनी शेजारच्या
जोशी काकुंच्या बंड्याला विचारले.
"काय रे बंडु, तुझे बाबा काय काम करतात?"
त्यावर बंडु न गोंधळता उत्तरला,
" आई सांगेल ते सगळे !!!"

Food for thought


Nothing is enough for a person for whom enough is too little